when only God is watching

Felicity thought I would probably write about the whole Taylor Swift moment-stealing by Kanye West. But she did such a good job of it, I figure I can just direct you there. I'll just say that his apology wasn't great. But rather than try and perfect the method, perhaps he could just stop doing stupid things.

Felic's post describes how our character shows through our words and actions. And it reminded me of a gift I got once that said, "Character is who you are when only God is watching."

When I was a sophomore I threw away all my old journals and diaries. All of them. I put them in a brown paper bag, sealed them with duct tape, and put them in our trash can on the curb. I still try to go back in time and will that 15-year-old girl NOT to do that. You know one reason I threw them out? Because there was too much "Michael" in there. And I was afraid that if I married someone else, those words would hurt that mysterious person's feelings.

A year or so later, I took up the habit again. I couldn't help it. I needed to write. Not write, write - it would be a while before that goal really bloomed. But just write. I roll my eyes sometimes when I read my old journals, because I tended to self-correct in them. I would gush or moan or freak out of course. But then I would say, "Of course what I should be feeling is..." or, "But then, at least I've learned...."

I didn't write in a journal during much of my engagement or the first two months of marriage. I remember thinking I would tell Michael everything now, and it felt silly to write my thoughts in a book as if I didn't want him to see them. Eventually, I realized, that wasn't the reason at all. And I began to tell Michael everything and write it down in the book.

There's a scene in the movie I want to write one day in which Rilla Blythe runs through the woods with her diary so she can pour her heart out after a grueling week in which England enters World War I and Rilla's brother and friend both enlist. I see myself that way sometimes. I grab my journal from the shelf by my bed and escape into its pages just like Rilla escapes to the woods. I write exactly what I feel and what I think. I still self-correct, but it's no longer from the fear that my posterity will loathe me if I didn't. It's because the writing actually works things out. And I tend to leave the pages with more perspective than when I opened them.

I've been wondering lately if it's only me. It's such a huge part of my life, journaling. And I don't know many other people who still do it. What about you? Do you capture somewhere a bit of who you are when only God is watching?